[honestly, becca*]

....

2010-07-26T18:56:00.001-07:00

this never works out.

wishful thinking.

2010-07-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish i was smart, pretty, and had the attention of any guy i wanted.
sometimes i wish i could just drop 100 pounds and instantly feel better about myself.
sometimes i wish i could just meet the man of my dreams and be done with this dating crap.

yeahhhhhhh..wishful thinking is right. :/

the girls who always get the guy and doesn't want them...make me jealous sometimes.
and the girl who deserves the best guy in the world and ends up falling in love...makes me sick.
sometimes i truly believe that day will never come for me.
and i really get tired of hearing, "someday, your man will come."

GEEZ!! God, can you just send him to me? ...or help me lose this weight? agh.
it's one of those low self-esteem days, for sure.

[6-15-10]

2010-06-15T00:10:00.000-07:00

Let me start out this post saying that I have no problem with anyone on the Crunk Crew this year, I just get a little frustrated with people sometimes...it just happens. None of this is because I am a 2nd year Crunker or because I think I know everything (because I know I don't), it's because people are getting paid to do something - I am not being paid to do my job and everyone else's.

Pastor Terry led devo this morning on controlling our tongue. Believe it or not, that is the hardest thing I have to struggle with. I'm pretty good about keeping it to myself, but I end up talking to other people about it or saying it in my head, which I'm sure isn't any more good than saying it outloud. People think that sweet, innocent Becca would never say anything against anyone. All I'm saying is you don't know where I came from. It seems like I've been attacking my former self, my non Christian-like past. It's probably the hardest thing I'm working on right now.

Onto other things...
Last night around 1am, we had just gotten to bed and I was in a dream-like state....that in-between place between being awake and being asleep. I had one of the most vivid dreams ever.
There was a person (don't know who it was - could have been even me) standing outside of the tabernacle/gymnasium here at camp in the middle of the week while everyone else was somewhere else (maybe still in service? I think the person was maybe resisting the move of the Holy Spirit?). I couldn't see their face, but they were standing just on the sidewalk that leads back to the main part of camp. All of a sudden, I could see demons walking in from every side of the camp, dressed in battle gear with menacing faces in place. They were after something - they were after a life. Time went on, they were trudging on, walking slowly towards the person. It then got to the point where they had completely surrounded the person who was still standing in the same place. The crowd of demons (thousands) split and Jesus started walking through them to where the person was. He said "I will fight for you." (Speaking to the person). Spiritual warfare then began. The fought and fought until I looked around and all of the demons had been slain. Jesus then said again, "I will fight for you. I will fight until you are mine. I will fight until I have all of you." -- So, I'm just wondering if anyone in this camp is going through some spiritual warfare, whether they know about it or not. Like, life or death spiritual warfare, Heaven or Hell warfare. I don't know. All I know is that I wasn't able to sleep until seriously late last night.

Today was a bad day - I'm looking forward to getting my attitude back on track and having a great rest of the week. My youth group is here this week and I love seeing them all so much. Weekend off this week!

[b]

:(

2010-05-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

I hate seeing pictures of myself now. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate even thinking about buying clothes or shoes. This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening.

Too bad, it is.

I make myself sick by thinking about my size. I weigh more than anyone in my immediate family now and it's like I can't even stop myself. Yes, I'd like to lose weight, but motivation is so hard when you want to just roll up and sleep all day because then, you can't eat, you don't have to look in the mirror to get ready, and you don't have to go out into the world feeling like you weigh 500 pounds.

If it doesn't get better soon, I'm going to a doctor. At least to help with the depression. This sucks. I don't even try anymore to look good for anything. I hate dressing up now (which used to be fun) and I don't go to events because I know there will be pictures taken that will probably be put up on Facebook, which then, in turn, shows to the entire world that I weigh twice as much, if not three times as much, as most of my friends.

Why? I know that this problem runs on my dad's side of the family, and I was blessed with the curse. I eat less than a lot of other people, do plenty of walking, and drink tons of water, but I gain weight anyways. Sometimes I wonder why I was even given this body, but I know God doesn't make mistakes.

I think tonight, I'm going to go to sleep. Tomorrow morning, I'll get up for church, I won't wear any makeup (which is typical now), I'll go to my grandmother's house for lunch and eat only one plate (most of them eat 2-3, sometimes more) of food, go home, go to church again, then sleep. Sleep to maybe relieve myself of this aching pain I feel. I can't really talk to anyone about it because no one else understands...and those that do & struggle with it as well, don't care because they've lived their lives like this and don't see anything wrong with it.

I don't want to lose weight for anyone else...but me. Used to, I wanted it for others, now I want it for myself. I see the problems some of my family members have because of weight, and while it doesn't make me love them any less, it makes me hope for myself that I never have those kinds of troubles, but they're coming....and they're coming fast.

I don't know what to do with it anymore. I've cut back, I've started walking more (I can't run - athletic asthma) & going outside and doing things more...nothing's changing, it's only getting worse. If the money was available, I'd get gastric bypass, but we're broke. Definitely can't afford that. We pay that much for needs, not for wants. I'm healthy now, but who's to say I'll be healthy a year from now if I've gained this much weight since last year?

.....going to bed crying tonight......I hate to be this transparent, but I'm desperate for something to change. I need God's help with this. I can't do it any other way.

:( Goodnight.

self-explanatory.

2010-05-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

This picture definitely describes how I've felt all day. Just....blah....and ready to just crawl in the bed and sleep all day long.

Being a girl, there are days where you just wake up feeling miserable and like you may just have the lowest self-esteem known to man. Today was one of those days.

To add insult to injury, it was time I had to weigh myself just to see how I was doing as far as my weight goal was coming. Let me just tell you that it was definitely not what I was expecting. At all. I've gained even more weight and am now heavier than my father, mother & brother. This sickens me so much. I felt like running off and crying somewhere till I felt better. Maybe just stop eating for a while. I honestly don't know what I'll do if I keep gaining weight. I've cut out everything but water (sweet tea on occasion) and have been cutting down my portion sizes. I don't know what else I can do besides work out and I won't have time for that over the summer. :/

So, today's mood: blah.
It was one of those days where you notice every single thing that is wrong with your body. Needless to say, it wasn't a good day.

So, now time for some sleep maybe...we'll see.
Goodnight (morning),
-Becca

A new beginning.

2010-04-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

This morning, Ron Rhodes was preaching at my church. He spoke on his experiences in places where earthquakes had happened and how the facades of buildings fell, some were exposed to be made of mud and straw and some were made of thick concrete that held the building together throughout the earthquake. The altar call was for those who had lost their song, their reason to live, and had been shaken by something in our life and was then exposed to have a facade that was only for looks, it didn't go all the way through & they were fooling everyone but themselves. I went up. You have no idea how hard it was for me to even smile these past few months. I had to train myself to. After everything I did & everything I said that put me in that position that has ruined my life for a few months. He said "If you're tired of worrying, if you're tired of faking it, if you're tired of not being able to sleep at night...come to this altar now." I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't. God was physically pushing me up there whether I liked it or not.

It's crazy how you can go from one week (last post) of trying to convince yourself that He is real...to the next where it's undeniable. How could I have let Satan say all of that to me? How could I have believed it? He knows my weak places. Those weak places are being worked on now. He will not have any part in my life ever again.

Basically, I'm going to war with Satan right now. This has been my theme song for about a week and a half now. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't stop listening to it. Now I know why. God was preparing me for it. It's on one of Rick Pino's CD's. The song is called "You're an Army". Here's the track before it & the lyrics to it...you'll see.

------------
1st part: Track 7 "Lift Your Voice"
(sounding of the shofar)

(Rick Pino)
"Let the God of Glory thunder! Let the God of Glory thunder over all of his armies! Oh, let the Lion of the Tribe of Judah roar over his people!"

(Damon Thompson)
"I'm telling you the earth is about to experience a generation of people who know who they are because they know who their God is. And our God is Yahweh and He is the Lord strong and mighty! The Lord, mighty in battle! Beside Him there is no other! Without Him there is no victory! But with Him all things are possible! Somebody, praise the NAME OF THE LORD! (shouting) Come on! You're an army dressed for battle! A thousand shall fall at your side! And ten thousand at your right hand! But he will not come nigh your dwelling! No weapon formed against you shall be able to prosper! The battle is not mine, but the battle belongs to the LORD! Lift your voice, mighty ones! Lift your voice! How bad do you want to see America turned back to God?"

------------
2nd part: Track 8 "You're An Army"
(Rick Pino)

"You’re an army dressed for battle, (x3)
Take the land. (x2)
(repeated)

The weapons of our warfare,
They are mighty through our God (x3)
(back to first stanza repeated)

We cut off the giants head.
We eat giants for our bread.
(repeated)
(back to first stanza repeated)

He's a mighty, mighty, mighty warrior
Mighty, mighty, mighty
He's a mighty, mighty, mighty warrior
He's a warrior, He's a warrior."

Ready to throw in the towel...

2010-04-17T00:34:00.000-07:00

Especially here lately..

I just find myself questioning everything from why I get up in the mornings the way I do, to why the sky is blue, down to important things in my life. I've been questioning God lately (which I shouldn't be). I've been questioning my faith. I've been questioning EVERYTHING.

Why can't I just believe something anymore? It's like my foundation has been shaken enough to not cause the building (myself) to fall, but enough to cause the building to lean, to waver.

Ugh.
I wish things were simpler. :/
Goodnight...eh, Goodmorning. It's 2:30am.
I need sleep before I start thinking about other things that will only make matters worse.

P.S. I'm sorry I can't be the friend you need. I'm trying everything and doing everything in my power to help, but it seems like all of my efforts are wasted. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

the song that's on repeat today...

2010-04-15T10:00:00.001-07:00

"A Little's Enough" - Angels & Airwaves

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief

And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough

(Just a little...)

4.12.2010

2010-04-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

There's this deep hurt, regret, and depression that will find it's way back to my heart every now and then...some days more than others. I'll deal with it and move on, but I never really completely take care of the problem..not down to the root. I'm beginning to believe that there is no solution, really. I've done everything possible in my own realm to fix everything. I've placed it in God's hands and it's like it keeps coming back and growing every time it returns. If I could go back in time and do things over knowing what I know now, I probably would. But who wouldn't with some things? Maybe me and this person never really were friends in the first place and I was only her crutch until her life started to get better again? I'll probably never know the answer to that question.

Sure, I miss more than anything having a friend that was like an older sister...but I guess if it was never meant to be, then so be it. It just sucks a little....well, a lot. There's just this sense of being so alone all of the time. I am someone who needs physical contact. Whether that be hugs or just having someone pat you on the back every now and then. Being here, on earth, with only my Heavenly Father should be more than enough, but I so wish sometimes that he was here...physically...to go to and be held. To have someone's shoulder to actually cry on. To be looked in the eyes and being told "I love you" and having someone truly mean it for the first time in my entire life. I sometimes find myself a little jealous of those who were close to Jesus when He was here in man form. To have the chance to walk beside Him, see His physical features, to be hugged by Him, to see everything He went through as a man himself. But then I think back to where I am now. It may not be as easy to follow Christ as it was then, but I have such a greater opportunity to further His Kingdom.

I guess right now, I'm just wanting a REAL, HONEST friend. Those are few and far between and I haven't found mine yet. I just want to be held. I want to cry out everything in my system until there are no tears left. I want my heart to be healed so I don't have to feel this pulsing pain anymore. There have been times where I was so close to giving up, but I know I didn't for a reason.

Hopefully all of this waiting will pay off one day. I'm believing for it.

-Becca

Weary

2010-04-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

I'm ready for school to be over. It just seems like all that I'm ever doing is school work or things school-related. Don't get me wrong, I love learning and having the opportunity to go to school (and it be completely paid for), but I need a mental break. I've been getting a lot of headaches recently and I'm guessing they're from mental stress. Sometimes they are just sharp pains that I feel only for a second or two, nonetheless, they are annoying and I need them to stop.

This summer....ahh, this summer...what will I do with you? I haven't completely decided. There are a lot of things that I have been invited to do this summer. For example, week-long trips with several people, camping, Six Flags, etc. And I would LOVE to be able to run and do all of that this summer since I probably won't get a job until school starts back up. But, then there's camp. I love, love, love camp. But it eats up all but like 4 weeks of my summer. I went last year and worked and it was my favorite thing in the world and this is my last eligible year to work. So, I have to choose either working at camp with my summer family or doing whatever the heck I want for the summer. I'm leaning towards camp though..I won't be able to work at this specific camp ever again and I'll have more fun summers in my future.

Anyways, I'm waiting for 1 o'clock to roll around so I can go to my Biology Lab and be done for the day at 2:50. It's currently 12:10, so I have plenty of time to kill. BTW, I love this computer lab..it's strictly Mac on this side! WOO. They're beautiful. :)

Well, I'm gonna go find something a little more productive to do. & You've gotten my thoughts for the day.
Adios!

3.21.10 [frustrated, again.]

2010-03-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday afternoon, my great grandmother went to be with the Lord and her husband after a long 93 years of her life. While a part of me is sad, it's only for my mother. I wasn't very close to my great grandmother, but of course, for my mom, it's her grandmother and I understand how upset I would be if it were my grandmother.

I was in Gatlinburg for a women's convention with my granny, Aunt Tammy, and cousins Tori and Tyler. The last service of the convention was this morning and I was planning to stay with my aunt and cousins until Wednesday afternoon while my granny came home with someone else from her church. I got the text from my brother saying that she had died so I called my dad. I asked him if I could possibly go ahead and stay until Wednesday since everything was already paid for or if I needed to come home.

Of course, like most parents do, they did the thing where they say one thing but mean another. For example, like with my situation, "Do whatever you feel like you need to do. I don't care one way or the other." My mom told me that and so I had decided that I was going to stay. I got my aunt to call my dad and tell her the truth and he said that it would upset her if I didn't come home.......of course. So, long story short, I am staying at my grandmother's tonight and wish I were still in Gatlinburg. But, being the people-pleaser I am, I chose to come on home anyways. I really do wish I could have stayed, but even though I was never close to my great grandmother, if my mom wants me here, then I guess I should be here. Boo. I love my mom, I do...otherwise I'd still be in Gatlinburg.

I just really wanted to get away from home for a few days. I know that it sounds super selfish of me to say that I just want to get away from them, but it's how I feel. This is my blog so I can say whatever I want, right? haha. But really, it is nice to be able to walk down the Gatlinburg strip, alone, without having to keep up with kids or keep them in line. I'm just tired of being a mom...ugh. But, God never gave me anything I can't handle, so I'm just gonna keep on truckin and let Him take me where He wants me.

Anyways, I'm typing pretty loud and getting sleepy, so I'm going to head on to bed.

P.S. My mom's trying to make me feel bad for staying the night here because she won't have time to go to school and pick me up tomorrow....um....who ended their vacation short for you? Ugh. Sorry. That was rude. But......true.

Whatever.
Goodnight.

3/18/2010

2010-03-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

More and more I'm starting to realize that, once again, my friends are changing and moving on without me. It's like I have to start back at square one every year. I hate this part of life, but...then again, it's a part of life. I don't like much things about this Earthly life. But, God's given it to me and it's a blessing, I will just do with it what He wants. I'm here for a purpose, and I must fulfill that.

Today's been another weird day. Things aren't going like they should. Not like in a bad way, just different I guess. I saw a couple of friends that I was close to not too long ago and it's like they completely changed over Spring Break. I guess it doesn't take that long at all. :/

I'm in the Mac Lab just waiting for 1pm to roll around so I can go to my last class of the day. Biology Lab. Oh man, I wish I could skip. I really need to just get away from Murfreesboro for a little while. I went to Chattanooga over Spring Break, but that was only for a couple of hours. I'm hoping that this Gatlinburg trip works out. I'd be there from Friday night till Wednesday afternoon. I reallllllly want that to work out. I just want to get away! Haha. I love everyone here so much, but I definitely need a mental break from the stress and drama.

They have this Pro-life abortion exhibit set up on campus. They put it up yesterday and it's still up today. It breaks my heart to see stuff like that, but in my opinion, I think people who are for it and people who are against abortion should see it. It's the truth. It happens multiple times a day worldwide. Approximately 115,000 abortions a day..42 million a year worldwide. :( In the US, there are 3,700 a day and 1.37 million a year. That just breaks my heart. It does. We'll never know if one of those children had the cure to AIDS, cancer, anything...It just doesn't make sense in my head to do anything like that. It just doesn't.

Anyways, that's all I'm going to say for right now. I hope everyone's having a good day.

Luke 10:18-20

2010-03-17T20:29:00.000-07:00

"Jesus said, "I know. I saw Satan fall, a bolt of lightning out of the sky. See what I've given you? Safe passage as you walk on snakes and scorpions, and protection from every assault of the Enemy. No one can put a hand on you. All the same, the great triumph is not in your authority over evil, but in God's authority over you and presence with you. Not what you do for God but what God does for you—that's the agenda for rejoicing."

------------------------------------------------

I just feel like I need to be protected sometimes. Held. Kept secret from the world.
I'm tired of being here. No, I'm not being suicidal or depressive.
I'm just homesick. I'm ready to be at HOME with my Father.
I'm so tired of everything this world has been throwing at me lately.

I just want some peace.

today...

2010-03-17T11:03:00.000-07:00

today, the person walking in front of me was smoking cigarettes.
they were the kind you smoked.
the kind i bought you on many occasions because you had no money.
memories flooded back into my head.
memories i didn’t even want to make in the first place.
even the ones made up by people who weren't even there.
memories i can never erase.
but somehow, i still miss you as a friend..more than you know.
even after all of the crap i went through.

by the way, you’re welcome for the cigs. hope it was worth it.
and i'm glad you're finally getting your life back on track.
i knew it would happen. i knew it.

I'm ready.

2010-03-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

I don't exactly know what God's been doing in me lately, but He's doing....something. My life has been in such a season of change that it's like I can't put my feet on solid ground because it keeps moving, not that that's a bad thing. But whatever it is, I'm ready for it. Anything could be better than what I have now.

I have maybe only one true friend that's going to stick things out with me at the moment, Emily. She means more than the world to me and I wish I had a way to tell her that. :) She has been through a lot of the same things I have been through/am going through and I know that out of everyone, I can trust her with things.

In other news, in a couple of hours, my Spring Break will officially be over. :/ It's definitely a bummer. I don't want to go back to classes yet. Only about 6 more weeks though till I'll be on Summer Break. I'm more than ready for it. And more than ready to be at camp again for the summer. I miss everything about it.

Anyways, this was just a short update on my life.
And...I miss my girls. :(

Sunday, March 7th, 2010

2010-03-07T14:16:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of having to question people and if I can trust them.
After everything that's happened this past month, I feel like, yet again, I have nowhere to turn...no one to talk to...in fear that it won't stay with that person and will be spread on to others.

At this very moment, I could scream, cry, laugh, sing...everything in my head is getting all jumbled up and I don't know what to do with myself.

I've forgiven those who have betrayed me and tried to move on. I still want them as friends around me, but I will never be able to trust them with anything again. Seems like I'll be keeping more things to myself than I'd like to, but if that's how it has to be...then, so be it.

One of my top prayer requests lately has been for me to find a true best friend on this Earth. I have my Heavenly Father who is more than enough as it is...but it'd be nice sometimes to have someone here I could just put my face in their lap and cry, be held or sometimes someone to laugh at myself with me. I thought I had that, then it was all thrown back in my face...as if it was destined for failure in the beginning.

I said before that I was fighting depression and I've made a decision that I'm not going to let it back into my life ever again. I will fight it as long as it takes, but as long as I'm fighting, it's not overcoming. And that's gotta keep me going.

In other news, I'm am beyond excited that it's Spring Break and I get a week off from school. I'm hoping that the weather will stay mostly like this for the rest of the week. It's so beautiful outside. I love the changing of the seasons...they remind me so much of what God has done for me and how amazing He is to have created all of this. The complexity of everything around me never ceases to make me step back and think about it all. I will never, ever understand Him...but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to understand Him.

Ah, well. That's a good enough post for today. haha.
Happy 7th anniversary to my home church, Turning Point A/G. I love my church! :)

[b]

What a week...

2010-02-25T06:21:00.000-08:00

I have about an hour to kill so I figured I'd update here...even though no one really reads this.

Last week was probably one of the worst that I've had in a very long time.
My trust was betrayed, I lost a few friends, and I screwed up majorly and wasn't able to fix it for once. I hurt some people unintentionally and I have to take responsibility for my actions.

But, surprisingly, after all of that...I'm okay. I figure that I'm better off alone than with "friends" who tell everyone else my business. Seems like that's more and more people every day. So, I'm left only trusting myself and God. I can't go through that again.

I'm fighting depression once again. It just makes me question if this disease will ever completely be gone from me. I want to believe that it can be...but every time I think it's gone, it comes back, and worse than the time before. I've considered going to a counselor and possibly getting on some medication, but I hate taking medications. I know God can heal me, it's just the faith part I have problems with. Always have. So, I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is that I'm ready to be happy again.

In other news, though, looks like I won't be moving out this August. I wasn't able to find a car and a job in time. While this sucks, it means I'll at least be able to work my last year at camp. I'm ready for another fun summer. It's nice to get away from the normal monotony here at home, plus, I love working with that kind of stuff. Behind the scenes work is what I love. Will be looking for a job and a car once I'm home after the summer. Setting a goal to move out by next August. Maybe sooner. I think it's time for that to happen. I feel so trapped at home sometimes. But then again, I am almost 20. Most of my friends have already moved out. I share a room with my 10 yr. old sister...I don't know. I just need some room to breathe.

I'm rambling now. Just...if you read this post, please keep me in your prayers. It means a lot to me. So much is going on in my head that it's hard to keep up soemtimes.

-Becca

2/13/10

2010-02-12T22:05:00.000-08:00

You know...I'd kind of hoped that someone would care by now.

What a big, fat joke.
FML? Yeah, something like that.

Crying seems to be the only thing that helps.

2010-02-05T17:46:00.001-08:00

Lately, I've just felt so used....by everyone. Seems like every phone call or text I've gotten in the past two weeks ended with one of these three questions:
- Hey, can I borrow some money?
- Hey can you do something for me?
- Hey, can you just pray for me?

While all of those things are MORE THAN FINE with me at all times....I just want someone to text me or call me and say "Hey, had you on my mind this morning. Everything okay?" And when I say "Yeah, I'm alright", they'd say "No, really. I know something's wrong. What's up?"

I haven't had a "You've been on my mind today" text in forever. I think the last time I got it was when I was at camp this summer. THIS SUMMER. Am I only missed when I'm 2 hours away? :( I know that's probably not the case but that's how it makes me feel. This isn't one of those things I'm asking you to do because you feel bad for me...I just have to vent.

I try my hardest all the time to be the friend I want to have myself. I just wish others were like that sometimes. I understand that life gets in the way...just slow down...tell those around you that you love them. A text takes, what, 30 seconds? Do you really not have that kind of time?

Next subject...
I forgive and move on too easily I guess. It seems that if I forgive someone, that makes them think that they can do it again. And again. And again. Sooner or later, I'll get fed up with it...which will probably lead to me exploding then never talking to you for a very long time. I don't want that, so just quit please. :/

Lately it seems like all I do is cry. I'm not depressed by any means...it just seems like this is the only way that makes me feel better anymore. I haven't even wanted to journal like I have before.

This week just leaves me questioning...
Do I really have true friends? :/

Frustration.

2010-01-25T13:46:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I guess that would be a good word to even start to explain how I'm feeling right now.
Along with about the other half of the dictionary.

I've always been one to think about things too much, over-analyze things, and pick myself apart. It seems like I've done that more this week than I ever have. I seem to get myself into situations that I shouldn't be and usually have to learn the hard way to get out of it. I hate this about myself and I wish there was a way to weed it out of my personality. Sorry to say it, but I don't have access to that kind of "fixing." I'm beyond "fixing." I need a life change and the only person I can get that from is my Heavenly Father.

Now, here's the other struggle I end up with. As I mentioned in a previous blog before, I have a hard time giving things up. Not so much material things but friendships, relationships, feelings, ideas...things that I want to have control over. It's pretty much bred into me to want to have control in everything. I'm the oldest child, the one who is almost never wrong, has a solution for everything, and hates to lose. That's me.

This is one of those times when I need to give something up. I KNOW I need to, but I'm having an extremely hard time convincing myself to drop the entire thing. I want to, trust me. But giving up this would cause me to lose a lot of things....therefore, Becca would not have control. I SHOULDN'T need control, I don't...but I want it. Plain and simple.

I told one person about my situation, and they've blown it way out of proportion. I'm a Christian, I love Jesus, I worship him every chance I get, I grew up in the church. And since I've grown up in the church, I know all of the clichés used, I've heard everything....trust me. So, when I ask advice on something, I don't want to hear all of those cliché answers!! I WANT ADVICE FROM YOU......that's why I asked you. I'm tight with God remember? I know what His way is...just relate to me or something at least. I know it's probably bad that I think this way, but it does get annoying. I'm a human. I want a human answer. I want to know that I'm not the only person who's ever been through this or felt like this.

I just get so frustrated sometimes. Especially when I go through things like this. If there were a way to shock my brain and remove everything that I've ever thought of in a negative way....I'd pay whatever it cost. I'm so sick of being the girl who questions everything and always seemed depressed. I'm sorry! This is how I was designed!!

Going to college group at church tonight...let's see how many people know my situation already. Ugh.

Season of change.

2009-11-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

I've been going through such a season of change lately. God's been working really hard on me, and in turn, I've made some observations as to how He's slowly making me into what I need to be.

Satan's also been hitting me pretty hard lately. Mostly with my struggle with depression. It's become almost like a chore to get out of bed and TRY to see the positive things in life. And I hate that, because I want to enjoy life and be happy all the time. But when I've struggled with depression for about 8 years, it's all I really know now. I don't even know where to begin with "recovering." Agh, so frustrating!

Also, now that I'm in college, things automatically get more stressful, whether you think you're in control of the situation or not. Last week was probably one of the worst weeks so far. I was so overwhelmed and Satan was for sure attacking me. I began thinking that maybe teaching isn't right for me after all, and that I shouldn't even try to do it. There's so much that goes into being a teacher. Not only do you need to be a loving and caring person, but there are numerous tests you have to go through, certain classes, and soooooo much other stuff. Ever since that entered my mind, it's got me questioning all of this. I mean, I THINK God called me to be a teacher..or did I just make that up? I've definitely been praying for it lately quite a bit. I hate being so unsure about things. I like to be in control of things, and with God, that can't be the case anymore. I need to let him have complete control, but it really is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I will admit, though..God has really placed some awesome people in my life to help me pull through a lot of things. Especially since I'm the type of person who needs physical contact sometimes. For example, hugs are probably the best way to tell me that you love me...even more than actually speaking the words "I love you." It's just how I'm wired. I know that I shouldn't depend on people in this earth more than God, and I don't, but I also know that He's placed them here for a reason in my life.

Colton...oh my goodness, where do I begin with him? We met casually a couple times when I visited FWC (my old church). I added him on MySpace...haha, yes, when people still used it...and never really talked to him much. Beginning of this semester in college, I hung out with a mutual friend of ours, Krista quite a bit. He was always there and I got to know him a little bit better. Turns out, we're more alike than we knew. He always has some way of making me smile on my worst days & reads me like no one I've ever known. He always has a way of knowing when something is wrong..even when I put my best mask on. God has definitely brought him into my life for a reason. I can count on Colton for everything, and he knows that he can count on me for everything. We definitely became best friends overnight almost. lol. Even though he doesn't claim me sometimes. ;)

And then there is Tiffany, my sister I never had growing up. I love her soooo much. Her, Billy, & the girls are definitely family to me. I honestly don't know what I would do without them. Whenever I was having a horrible night, I used to just drive over to their place and chill out for a little while. As soon as they get into a new place, that tradition will definitely be continued. lol. I love her so much. She "gets" me and I "get" her. It's easy as that. I can talk to her about absolutely everything, get her honest opinion, and I'm not afraid that she's going to go off and tell someone else. :) I love her more than she knows.

I just wish I told them that I appreciate and love them more than I ever do. Sometimes, I guess we all take it for granted, but they really do mean more to me than I could ever express. My second family. :)

Anyways, that's about all that's going on here. November is going to be a fun month.
This weekend: RAMP
Next week: 19th birthday
Next weekend: Youth convention (maybe)

Then I have other things scattered throughout the rest of the month.
God is good all the time.

...

2009-09-30T21:19:00.001-07:00

Two months.
Really? Has it been that long already?
I miss you, Jaycey.
I wish I knew for sure that I'd see you again one day.
Too bad it's not that easy.

You're missed more than you ever would have imagined.
This would have been your 5th week in college.
Crazy.

Tomorrow's Another Day...

2009-09-09T15:02:00.000-07:00

You know, just when I think things are getting better...they fall apart again. The only way I can really describe it is like a neverending cycle. It's ridiculous and I'm tired of dealing with it. And I'm tired of having to lean on people constantly. It makes me feel as if I'm self-centered enough to just put myself ahead of everyone else and their own problems. So that's usually when I end up being very reculsive and not saying much of anything. That's how it's been this past week and a half. I promise I'm not upset with any of you. This is just my way of dealing with things...well, not really dealing with them, but putting them on the backburner. Eh, I'm trying to work on this...I really am. I just feel like I'm letting friends down when I can't be there for them or take a simple step like calling my pastor to set up an appointment to talk. A failure. Yes, that's what it feels like.

School is now in full swing and this semester doesn't seem like it's going to be much work, which is good. Basic courses this semester. English 1010, Speech, College Algebra, Fundamentals of Education, and Intro to Psychology. Pretty good professors...besides College Algebra. But we won't go there. Haha.

I seem to be my lowest when I'm alone at night, so I've decided to take up some reading in my free time. My friend, Scott, suggested I read "The Search for Significance" by Robert S. McGee. My other friend, Julia, suggested "Secrets of an Irrisitable Woman" by Michelle McKinney Hammond. I also picked up a book entitled "Miracles: The Listener/The Gifted" by Terri Blackstock. That should be enough to keep me occupied for a little while. I had to order Julia's suggestion online though because Barnes & Noble and Hastings didn't carry it..what a bummer! I'll have to let you know how they all turn out, though.

Well, I think I'm done blogging for today. Every day has its struggles and today has definitely been one. I'm looking forward to TRYING to relax tonight. Going to make myself some coffee, sit down in the recliner, wrap up in a blanket and get to reading.

Thank God it's already Wednesday.
-Becca

His love endures forever. :)

2009-08-17T21:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, this was read during prayer at Bridge tonight. It really hit me hard. It's crazy how easily we can forget that He actually loves us...that much. Well, me at least.

I also like that the Message version says "His love never quits." :) Amazing.

------------

Psalm 136

1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.
His love endures forever.

2 Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.

3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.

4 to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.

5 who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.

6 who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.

7 who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.

8 the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.

9 the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.

10 to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt
His love endures forever.

11 and brought Israel out from among them
His love endures forever.

12 with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;
His love endures forever.

13 to him who divided the Red Sea asunder
His love endures forever.

14 and brought Israel through the midst of it,
His love endures forever.

15 but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;
His love endures forever.

16 to him who led his people through the desert,
His love endures forever.

17 who struck down great kings,
His love endures forever.

18 and killed mighty kings—
His love endures forever.

19 Sihon king of the Amorites
His love endures forever.

20 and Og king of Bashan—
His love endures forever.

21 and gave their land as an inheritance,
His love endures forever.

22 an inheritance to his servant Israel;
His love endures forever.

23 to the One who remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.

24 and freed us from our enemies,
His love endures forever.

25 and who gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.

26 Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.

Trying...

2009-08-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, so even though I was raised in the church and in a Christian family, I've always struggled with some things...and now more than ever.

My biggest problem is making decisions without the consult of my heavenly Father. It's definitely got me into some trouble in the past, and other times it worked out. I tend to make decisions based on what my heart feels and what emotions I'm feeling at the moment..never really actually pray about anything, even though I'm supposed to. I'm admitting this publicly so maybe I can get things straight.

I'm weighing a decision pretty heavily on my mind here lately. Enough where I've lost some sleep over it. And I honestly don't know what to do at this point. I've begun to pray about it pretty intensely. I want to see how things pan out before I make this decision, but I don't want to disreguard it and then regret not taking a chance on things. I want it to be a God thing, but I also want it badly for myself..for selfish reasons, I guess you could say. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes if it's God placing a want in you for the right reasons or if it's just myself.

Ugh. This is confusing.

In other news, I have now been awake for 32 hours straight..and I'm definitely not sleepy. If I don't get sleepy in the next hour, I will be taking a Tylenol PM and knocking out for a while...it's the only way I can sleep with so much on my mind.

And, be praying for my good friend, Scott. He's in the hospital and they can't find out what's going on in his body that's making him sick. I really need him to get better..he's basically my best guy friend. Feel better, Scott! I've been praying for you.

Oh, and thank you Tiffany & Taylor for being here for me through this...I honestly don't know what I would do without you. God placed you both in my life for a reason. :) You're both such blessings to me!

My God Can..

2009-08-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

I have to keep myself reminded of that.
My God can, and will.
"The things which are impossible with men ARE possible with God." [Luke 18:27]

Life has definitely had some downs lately..and then some farther downs, but I have to keep my faith in Him.

So. I lose a friend in a horrible car accident. That was definitely hard. Harder than I've had to deal with in a while. But I'm making it through..of course, with the help of my God.

The day after all of that happened, I find out my great grandmother had a heart attack and wasn't doing well. She's doing a little better (well, as good as a 94 yr old can be) and is back in the nursing home. I really don't know how she's still alive with all of her health problems right now.

My best friend is now in the hospital, and they can't find out what's wrong with him. Things could turn pretty serious if they don't find out soon. I don't know what I'd do without him at this point..I know I have God, but it'd be nice if I could keep my best friend around for a while.

I didn't say all of this to make you feel bad for me, but to ask if you could just keep me, my friends, and family in your prayers. This is wearing pretty hard on me and I've had some trouble sleeping. I can't keep up the habit of getting sleepy around 4AM and then having to get up at 8. It won't work for long.

Also, mom will be leaving for China tomorrow morning early, so keep her in your prayers as well.

I just need things to get better.
But I know my God can.

Jaycey

2009-07-31T11:34:00.000-07:00

http://www.murfreesboropost.com/news.php?viewStory=18423

I've been having a hard time with the loss of my friend, Jaycey...especially knowing that he wasn't right with God for so long. I can honestly say that I'm pretty sure he wasn't when all of this happened and that breaks my heart. He was such a fun guy and always knew how to make people laugh, but he always made some pretty bad decisions. It all happened so quickly. I only got maybe a couple hours of sleep last night because I was thinking about it all. I'm still pretty shocked about it all. It hasn't fully hit me yet and probably won't until visitation..whenever that is. I miss him already. And all I can keep thinking about was all of those times I had a chance to witness and just never did. I know that God does everything for a reason, but you never think of it happening to a friend until it does. I'm not blaming this on God at all, I just know that there was a purpose in all of this...I just don't know what it is yet. I miss Jaycey even though we weren't as close as we had been before. To think that I graduated with him a little over two months ago blows my mind. I'm going to stay strong in God and I pray that I take the opportunities coming up to witness to those who were closer with him. I also have been praying for the other guy, Grantham, who was driving the car. As far as I know, he's still sedated and they're going to take him off of it today sometime. He has no idea that his best friend is dead. He's gonna need some for real prayer.

I miss you Jaycey...and I'm sorry that I didn't do what I should have.

ENFJ?

2009-07-29T22:29:00.000-07:00

Took a quick personality test and this is what it gave me..pretty accurate.

You Are An ENFJ
The Giver

You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and you usually succeed.
Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections.
Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down.
You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine.

In love, you are very protective and supporting.
However, you do need to "feel special" - and it's quite easy for you to get jealous.

At work, you are a natural leader. You can help people discover their greatest potential.
You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

How you see yourself: Trusting, idealistic, and expressive

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Bossy, inappropriate, and loud

----------------------------

But this description was RIGHT ON...crazy.

Here's part of what that specific website said:
"ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear."

That's definitely me. Haha.
Well, I should be heading to bed now. I have an eye appointment tomorrow and some work to finish up on Photoshop sometime.

By the way, congrats to my friend Tiffany on her second daughter! :) Addison Michaela Mankin. 7 lbs 4 oz, 20.5 inches. :) She's such a cutie!

Only one month of summer left...

2009-07-28T21:59:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's so crazy how fast this summer went by. I loved every minute of it, though. Even though I had some troubles with some people at camp, we solved our differences and grew together as friends. I really do miss all of them tons. They're basically like brothers and sisters to me and I know that God placed them in my life for a specific reason. It's hard sometimes being in the real world again and realizing that everyone around you isn't as good of an influence as they were for 7 1/2 weeks. It was definitely a growing experience and I plan on going back next summer to learn even more. I for sure made some friends for life there.

It's crazy to think that in a month I will be a real college student. I know that it doesn't seem like much to others, but it really is amazing that I'm still here. God pulled me through quite a bit to get to where I am and I'm glad He did. I'm such a stronger person because of it all. I guess that was his plan all along. :) This semester I'll be taking Speech, English, College Algebra, Intro. to Psychology, and Foundations of Education. It's actually a pretty good schedule. I'll get in at 9:30 and be able to leave campus at about 12:45 M-F. I like that a lot. Haha. I'll have time to come home and work on some homework or whatever before everyone gets home. It will be nice.

Anyways, I just figured I should really try and keep this blogging thing up. I did so well for a while. Oh well, I'm heading to bed now.

P.S. Crazy how people can change in such a short amount of time. It seems like all of the "friends" I had no longer feel like friends anymore. We just sat there and didn't really talk. Wow. Maybe I'm growing out of them or they're just changing. Eh, can never be sure. I'm just ready to have a best friend again (besides God, of course).

venting.

2009-07-10T23:07:00.000-07:00

I really don't understand how people can be so hurtful with things and not know about it. To be so blind in what they're saying. You don't joke around with being a cutter. You just don't. To pretend and joke saying that "oh no let me go home and cut myself". Yeah. Not funny.

Also, people who thrive on attention and making up things to get attention from everyone also need to just grow up and realize that it's not always going to work for them.

End of story.
Sorry guys. I have no one here at camp to talk about this to.
So I'm just venting on here.

not a good day...

2009-06-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

So, as you all know, I've been having some pretty tough times with my self-image here lately. Well, today, upon arriving to camp, my self-image took yet another blow. Whether it was intentional or not, it was said...and said person never apologized. Thing is, I've known this person for a very, very long time and would never have expected anything like that out of his mouth towards anyone...serious or jokingly. Here's how it happened.

It's been a big joke around camp that everyone is scared of me...I mean, who wouldn't be? I'm big. I can be scary. That's really not the part that bothered me.
Someone mentioned that they were scared of me and the other person said "well that's understandable...she's so butch."

That's definitely a first. Never had someone call me that ever before. And let me tell you something. It's definitely worse than being called fat or obese for a long time in your life. I just wanted to sit there and cry it all out. I'm not much of a crier as much of you know...well in public at least. It's all I could do to hold it in. I never want to be called that ever again in my entire life.

I didn't eat much at dinner. No one really noticed. Seems like I can never get out of this cycle. As soon as I'm happy with myself a little more, someone else comes behind me and "takes care of it." Never ending cycle. Yay.

Well, I'm getting off now. No more rambling.

It's hard sometimes..

2009-06-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

I was looking back in a photo folder on MySpace tonight of me at camp a couple years ago..and it makes me realize that I have gained so much weight since then. And as much as that shouldn't bother me because I really don't care what I look like, but it honestly does. It just makes me want to cry looking at it. I've come so far with my self-image but yet I still have gained so much weight.

I really don't know why this is the one thing that really bothers me no matter what but it does. Maybe because I'm a girl and that's what girls do, but no other girl that I know does it as much as I do. I've picked and picked at my body and image yet I can never be comfortable with myself.

I hate asking for prayer, but if you could pray for me right now that would be amazing. I'm so self-conscious here lately. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am beautiful in God's eyes and that's all that matters. Funny thing is, I could care less what guys even think of me but I'm my worst critic for myself. It sucks more than you can imagine.

Camp is going well I guess. Week one is finished and we're about to start week two here at youth camp. I love working on Crunk Crew and I've had a lot of fun times already. I definitely want to go ahead and apply for next year, too. These people have already become my second family...it's crazy.

Well, it's time for bed. I only have a little while before I have to be up and getting ready for church in the morning.

Goodnight.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised."

Crazy.

2009-05-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

Wow. I don't know why I keep forgetting that I have a blog. Haha.

But as of this past Friday, I am a high school graduate! :) Woah. It still hasn't fully hit me yet..not sure when it will though. It doesn't seem like I should be out of high school yet...did 4 years actually already go by? Dang.

This summer, I'm working at Camp Jackson so I'll be pretty much gone most of the summer. I'll be home towards the end of July, have Fine Arts the first week in August (if I get to go..I'll be the only person going from my church. The other two are judges, so they won't be with me at all during the days). Then the next two weeks, my siblings start back at school and mom will be in China, so I will be Mom/chauffeur all of those two weeks. Then I start at MTSU. It's a little weird, but I'll get used to it.

I have customs tomorrow so I'll be able to sign up for classes and get it all worked out before I leave for camp on the 27th. It's gonna be a crazy summer, but I'm ready for it. It will be nice to get out of the house and around some new people for a little while. I get to come back for a few weekends, but that's about it.

That's about it. Haha. My life isn't that exciting, but that's what's been going on since the middle of April.

I forgot... :)

2009-04-19T20:52:00.000-07:00

I kind of forgot about this whole blog thing, to be honest. :) Things are going pretty well...I'm kind of ready to graduate and kind of not. But I guess everyone's feeling that right now.

I was accepted to MTSU and I'll be going there in September. Definitely excited about that one! But I'm even more excited about what God's been doing in my youth group...holy crud. It's been SO amazing. We've had a few services that were completely crazy! At one point we could be really quiet, just listening for God..and within 2 minutes we were dancing like we didn't even care! All I can really say about it right now is that people better get ready for what's about to happen in Appointed. It's going to be something that a lot of people have never experienced. A revival is coming! :)

I can't really be on here much longer...I need to get some kind of sleep before going to school tomorrow. :)

P.S. I dyed my hair dark brown. :) I like it! lol

So tired..

2009-03-28T08:53:00.001-07:00

I'm so tired of my friendships falling apart. Having nowhere to turn when I need a friend's consoling. It hurts. I hate how girls think that they have to talk about other girls to achieve a certain status in high school, and that's all they worry about. People change, I know, but when you and a certain person have been friends for so long and they just out-of-the-blue have a new "best friend", then it makes you question everyone around you.

Anyways...back to what I got on here to talk about.

Graduation is only in 48 days, and while I'm SO ready for it, it's also going to be the closing of another chapter in my life. It's crazy to think that I've already been in high school for 4 years almost. Holy crap, that went by fast. But I learned a lot about myself and who I'm going to be in the near future. I'm ready for the change. Even though I'm not a person who adapts to change very well, I think that this is something that HAS to happen for me to keep growing...as was high school. If you knew me before my freshman year, you would ask what I did with the other Becca. I'm more outgoing, have more confidence, and I'm not as reserved with my opinions as I used to be. It's been a good change. Let's just hope that college will have the same effect. :)

I really need to get off of here and do some stuff around the house. My spring break went by too fast :( I've only been able to sleep in today. Boo.

Highlight of the week: Matt backing into the power supply box in front of the house, almost blowing it up & electrocuting himself, and putting out the power to us and a few houses around for about an hour. Haha. Leave it up to my brother.

Ready.

2009-03-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

So, I know it's been a while since I've updated, but now I'm on Spring Break and figured it was time for one. :)

For the past couple of weeks in youth group, we've been reading about the Azusa Street Revival..and it's started a new fire in me. Just the thought of the Shekinah Glory falling on people so heavily that it looked like a thick mist in that building just amazes me. I WANT that. I'm ready for God to take complete control over everything in my life and those lives around me. It's so crazy to think that teenagers my age about a hundred years ago were praying for people receiving miracles like their limbs restoring from nowhere. We're continuing to study it more and read people's testimonies next week...and I can't wait. I'm actually looking for the book so I can buy it for myself.

I've been so tired with the same old, same old in my life. When Pastor Nathan started reading from the book, my heart just leaped out of my chest. It was all I could do from smiling and thinking about the amazing things that God can still do in our time. It's funny how I have been in church my entire life and never heard of the Azusa Street Revival. You always hear about the amazing miracles that happened in the Bible, but never about things that happened only a hundred years ago. But it's made me strive for more in my walk with God. It's been my motivation for the past couple of weeks. I try to pray more and study the Word. I WANT that presence on me.

Sorry, I'm just rambling now, but it's all I can do to keep it in and not just be so over-excited about this. I've been praying for a new fire in me and I received it when I started to hear about it. :)

I'm just getting excited thinking about it. Haha.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY PNATE!! The big 3-0 on the 17th, I think :) lol

Just got back from a belated birthday party for him so I'm tired. Definitely gonna go get some sleep now..if I can calm down... God is good. :)

Fine Arts Vocal Solo song.

2009-03-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

So, this is the song I've picked out to sing for Fine Arts this year.

Yes, I realize that it's extremely 'black'-sounding. Haha...but that's something that a lot of people don't know about me - I actually can sing like that. I just choose not to usually. :) And it's such a good song that I don't think it will be a huge problem.

But mom and I concluded that if in two weeks I still can't get comfortable with it, I'll go and get another track...but I really want this one to work out. :)

"The Battle is the Lord's"

Yolanda Adams - The Battle is not yours - Yolanda Adams

Homesick.

2009-03-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.
That's about all I can really say about the service we had at church tonight.
We had an evangelist speaking today to celebrate our church's 7th anniversary, and to be a hundred percent honest, I usually don't enjoy listening to people who come to speak at churches that aren't the usual pastor. But this guy was amazing. He flowed in the Spirit amazingly and today has been packed full of amazing things that God did for everyone in church.

Starting with this morning, the service was so full of the Spirit moving that he didn't even get a chance to give his sermon. :) It was SO good. He was prophesying over different people in the congregation, and while I wanted him to give me a word from God, I wasn't really counting on it. Little did I know that he would talk to my really good friend, Taylor, that was sitting right next to me. As soon as he gave her the word from God, I started crying. I know that she really needed to hear that today. Immediately after, he looked at me and started talking about how I needed to stop putting myself down and that what I saw of myself wasn't what God saw. That I had a lot of potential and I was worth something more than I ever knew. It was great. I was so thankful.

Then tonight, I couldn't concentrate on what he was preaching about. Satan was trying to attack me and was filling my mind with things and making me unable to focus on the Word. We started singing again, and then all of the sudden, the Spirit was all over me again. I cried the entire service. Haha. (Good crying, though). He then proceeded to pray over the youth group and a few more people. Later on he said that there were people in the congregation that needed to have a father's hug again. They needed the embrace of a father that they had been missing. Well, I love both of my parents and I know that they love me too, but sometimes it's hard to see it. I'm one of those people who needs to be encouraged a lot sometimes, then at other times not so much. Well, I didn't go up for it, but Pastor Nathan knew that I was supposed to be up there. He came up and hugged me and it was like everything I had been needing was there. The last time I was able to talk to him, when he told me that he was proud of me and that the youth group needed me and how much I had influenced the youth group and his family made me cry. He told me that again tonight and you have no idea how much that meant to me. Like I said, I know that my parents are proud of me and they love me, but it's all a lot more complicated than that. That's an entirely different blog post. Haha.

But yeah, today was just an awesome day.
I'm excited about the future and what God has in store for me in my walk with Him.
I'm so homesick for Heaven...I'm SO looking forward to be there one day and TRULY feeling the love of my Heavenly Father. Wow.

Church didn't finish completely until about 9:50 tonight, so I'm definitely thankful that school is starting 2 hours late tomorrow. :)

Goodnight.

P.S. I'm excited that baby Kate is about to enter the world! :)

This, too, shall pass.

2009-02-21T20:46:00.001-08:00

It's really funny how life changes so fast now. Things you've searched for your entire life mean nothing to you after time. Things that you would have fought over or risked your life for a couple of years ago seems so juvenile now. Is this how it's always going to be? Will I ever get any kind of familiarity in my life?

Lately, I've just kind of felt 'out-of-the-loop', I guess you could say. Kind of like I'm spectating instead of participating in life. It's pretty hard to explain in words. Ever had one of those weird out of body experiences where you feel like you're not even in your own body for a couple of seconds? Yeah, that's kind of how I feel right now as far as emotions go or whatever. It just seems like something's missing in my life. I know that I have Jesus and that I don't need anything that this world can offer, but still, it seems as though I'm looking for something that isn't there.

College is going to be facing me pretty soon, and I don't want to go into college not knowing exactly who I am. I like to be in control of things....not necessarily over people, but myself; knowing exactly what I'm doing and how it's going to benefit me. This whole thing where you have to figure out what to do your entire life honestly frustrates me. I like to know what's going on and it pretty much sucks when a person like me has to learn to just give it all to God. I know that sounds really bad, but it's true. I'm sure everyone's felt like that at one point or another.

Also, I've been feeling kind of lonely lately. A lot of my friends are moving on and making other friends...I've been on the sidelines, not really doing much of anything..left out. I'm not trying to force anyone into pity, by any means, but it just hurts when you see that you have no one here on Earth to completely lean on when you need them, you know? People have lives, they're busy, and if you know me, you know that I HATE imposing on other people's lives. It's always been that way for me. I'd rather keep my problems to myself than telling someone who secretly wished they were somewhere else or not listening to me. I guess that comes along with the self-image problem that I've had for as long as I can remember. But sometimes, you just really need someone to open up to, a shoulder to cry on, a genuine hug. I know that there are a lot of people around me that are here for me, but...I don't know...it's so hard to vocalize some of these things. I know that God has someone out there for me that I'm supposed to be with one day, marry, and enjoy a life together in Him, but it seems like I'll never find him. I know that I will, but it's hard to convince myself of that sometimes. I have just been praying for guidance and the ability to focus on the things I need to right now and not what I don't exactly need at the moment.

So many emotions have been running through my head lately...
I'm just lonely...ah, well. This, too, shall pass.

Hard decisions...

2009-02-16T10:53:00.000-08:00

So, I'm basically trying to figure out what I'm going to do this summer.

My youth group usually has a fireworks tent in July to support us going to National Fine Arts. Well, this year they decided to put it towards a missions trip to Mexico.

Also, it was brought to my attention last night that I am the ONLY person in my entire youth group that is planning on participating in Fine Arts this year. And since this is my last year to be able to participate, I'm going to do it anyways. Even though this might mean that I can't go on the missions trip.

I'm going to have to make up my mind soon, though.

Another thing I've wanted to do for the past three years is work on Crunk Crew at church camp. I've applied all three years and was accepted twice, didn't get this past years in on time. I turned the first one down because that was the summer my aunt was severely sick. But, anyways, it's always something I've wanted to do. I love kids.

So, if I end up going to work at camp all summer, that DEFINITELY cuts out the missions trip. I guess it just depends on what I really feel like I need to do.

Just keep me in your prayers...this is a big decision for me right now. :/

He's still workin' on me...

2009-02-12T19:10:00.000-08:00

So tonight was another great night in youth group. I wish I had more time to write about it, but I'm more than exhausted...so this will be a short post.

While the spirit was moving tonight, I felt lead to step off stage and stand in the back room just praying in the spirit. Well, while I was back there, God brought a song to rememberance. Anyone remember "He's Still Working On Me"?

"He's still working on me,
to make me what I ought to be.
It took him just a week to make the moon and the stars
the earth and the sun and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient
He must be
cause He's still working on me.
There really ought to be
a sign upon my heart
don't judge me yet
there's an unfinished part.

I'll be perfect
just you wait and see,
cause he's still working on me."

You know...that song never really meant much until now. I used to sing it all the time when I was little. It holds SO much truth for me right now and where I'm at in my walk with God. Like I said in a previous post, it's kind of like starting over fresh...and I love the feeling knowing that God still wants to work in me and He hasn't given up on me...even when I gave up on Him.

Wow.
I'm feeling pretty loved tonight :)

If God is for me, who can be against me?

2009-02-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning in church marked one of the best days of my life. I'm not going to lose it this time.

Lately, I've been feeling kind of disconnected from God and everything to do with Him. My life just seemed so ho-hum that it basically disgusted me. At one time, I burned with such an intense passion for God and to see His kingdom grow, but the farther and farther I drifted away from it all, I was beginning to lose hope in anything and everything.

For the past 7-8 years, I've strugged off and on with depression. Daily. Very high highs, and extreme lows...I didn't know when I'd have them or what would happen when I woke up. It was like I was waking up and instead of thinking to myself, "God, I thank you for everything you're going to do for me today", I'd wake up and say to myself, "Satan, what are you gonna attack me with today?" That definitely isn't the way to live, I can tell you that right now. He would attack me from every side and I just accepted it because I just figured it was going to happen anyways or I deserved it.

It all got to the point where I couldn't even worship anymore. One of my favorite things to do just didn't do anything for me anymore..I couldn't get into it, I felt like everyone knew my sins, that it wouldn't even matter if I was at church or not. When the truth about it is, I was only getting attacked with those thoughts and didn't even know it.

You know, being raised in a church my entire life, you think you know everything there is to know about being a Christian, when in all reality you don't. When you get to the point where you don't even feel like getting up and going to church or making time to be alone with Him, your memory is so bogged down with all of the negativity that you don't even want to try anymore.

Well, before I start a novel, I'll get started on what happened on Sunday morning.
To be honest, I was planning on telling my mom that I didn't feel good and was going to stay home from church today. I honestly couldn't even talk myself into wanting to get up (depression has a way of doing that to you). But, for some reason I got up. I went into church, asked around to see if anyone needed help in nursery or children's church. Of course, no one needed help this week. So I went in and sat down. Went through the motions just like I'd done for a while..nothing new here. As much as I hate saying it, I didn't really listen to much of Pastor's sermon..just bits and pieces. The parts I did hear, moved me, and I wasn't exactly sure why. He talked about how we shouldn't stop God from doing what he wants in our lives. Every time I heard something that touched me, I would look over and Pastor Nathan would be looking back at me. He knew I needed to hear this message. I tried so hard to tune-in and listen to every word Pastor spoke, but my mind was filled with so many things and it was running a million miles an hour.

Well before I knew it, Pastor was giving an altar call. He called for people who needed to come back to God and not stop Him from helping them. I didn't respond because I was ready to leave. Didn't give any more thought to it. Time went on, and I saw a good friend of mine, Amber, going up front and she gave a word in tongues. You probably don't know Amber, but she's really shy when it comes to talking in front of people. It hit me HARD. I immediately teared up and sat there, hoping that someone would come up to me and say, "Hey, you need to be up in that altar" or just come up and hug me...but nothing. I wanted so bad to be getting what Amber was getting. It had been SO long since I felt God on me like that; I was jealous. I figured that nothing would happen for me so I just sat there. Then Pastor said "There are a few people in here that I know need to be up in this altar. You are living in fear and God is here to help you through that." I knew he was talking to me, but again, I didn't get up. I looked over at Pastor Nathan, and he was praising God with such intensity that I HAD to get whatever they had...and today. So I walked up there and immediately, I fell to my knees. I couldn't stand. I shook because His presence was so heavy on me...and I sobbed. I couldn't think of anything else to say but, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I miss you." I thought for a second there that I was just going to fall flat on my face, but I wouldn't care who was watching. Within seconds later, Pastor Nathan had his hand on my back praying for me in the spirit and it was so calming. I can't even describe how I felt. You can't.

I got up and there was this peace on me that I haven't felt in a long time, at least 6 months. I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders. I don't have a lot of friends around me that I can tell things to in confidence that they won't spread it around, so I mostly keep it to myself. I know that's a bad habit, but that's how I deal with things. It really was amazing to feel all of that lifted off of me. Amazing.

I went on with my day, going to see my family on my dad's side, and then came home for a little while. I had to work in the nursery at church last night, so I had to be there a few minutes early. I told Pastor Nathan that I needed to talk to him after church. So I did. We talked, I know, for at least 30-45 minutes. It felt really good to be able to let most of this stuff out that I've been dealing with for a while. I told him about my depression, family issues, school, life in general, but mostly that I had fallen away from God. He already knew. Youth pastor's have a way of doing that. He knew the entire time that I had just been going through the motions, while it was embarrassing, it was good to know that at least someone noticed when I was hurting and when I wasn't the same....if that makes any sense.

But yeah, that's my novel for the day. It's been on my mind all day. I actually had a good day today, no complaints...which is out of the ordinary for me. Rarely do I EVER have an entire good day. It's different, but I'm definitely ready to get used to it for a while.

I'm working on growing with God again...although it's going to be hard. It already is. Satan is really good at attacking me from all sides. Pray for me that I get to where I'm going. I'm ready to leave this depression thing behind me once and for all. I'm tired of going back to it. I'm believing that I'm completely healed.

Sorry for the extremely long post...

thinking time..

2009-01-29T20:26:00.000-08:00

Today, I didn't go to school and went to the bowling alley instead to see three of my really good friends compete in the TSSAA State Individual Bowling Competition. It was good to get out of the house and be with some good friends all day, although it gave me too much time to think about things.

Seth finally messaged me back the other night and told me that he just wants to stay friends for right now. Why he couldn't tell me that the first day, I don't know. The whole "being friends" thing is actually okay with me. I'm not sure I even really wanted a relationship right now. While every girl likes the thought of it, it takes a lot of work, and right now, I don't think I have time for one. We still like each other, but he wants to see how this Marines thing works out. I completely understand that. So, maybe sometime in the future things can work with us, we'll see.

My mind has been EVERYWHERE today. From helping Rachel with bowling today, to what I was having for lunch, and then to thinking about my cousins. They've made some pretty bad decisions lately, and I can't help but think about their girls. Those girls have been on my mind all week now. I'm not going to go into details for obvious reasons, but just keep my family in your prayers.

A friend of mine was texting me tonight and asked if I ever put others so far ahead of myself that I keep myself from being happy or not taking care of my needs. And when I think about it, I do that 24/7. I ALWAYS put others ahead of me...and while I'm sure that's a good thing, it's a burden also. I've never actually put any thought into it, but for me, seeing someone happy is my goal, regardless of what I'm going through. There have been many, many, many times that someone has asked for a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to when at the time, I probably needed that more than they did. I'm not saying that I was selfish, because I'm not...it's just something I've never thought about. I took no time to say, "yeah, come on over...I'll be here...just hold on for a little while longer till you get here before you do anything rash." I guess it's just instinct in me to take care of everyone else around me before I even think about helping myself. I guess that's what's gotten me into trouble sometimes.

This post is definitely scrambled up, but so is my life. This is my way of letting out stress since I really don't have any actual close friends anymore. There are those that I know would be there for me and do anything for me if I ever needed it, I just have never convinced myself to open up with someone 100%. Not even God, really. And as bad as it sounds, it's hard for me...it's so hard for me to trust. Always has been.

I don't know. Life's weird right now. I'm practically an adult, know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life as far as career go, but things still seem out of place and unorganized. Ah, the joys of being a teenager.

I'm logging off for the night.
Night.

Not sure if I can do this again...

2009-01-25T14:01:00.000-08:00

So, there's this guy that I've been talking for a while now from Soddy Daisy. We met at the beginning of last year and have been friends since. We lost touch when he and a girl were dating because she obviously didn't like me texting him, even as just friends. I deleted his number from my phone and moved on. Of course, it hurt because we were friends, but I decided it was for the better. We didn't talk up until a few days ago when he wrote on my Facebook wall. We started talking again or whatever and have been texting ever since.

I made it clear last night that I did like him more than just as a friend. He seemed to agree. He told me that he wanted to try and work this out even if he's leaving the end of next month to go to Parris Island to become a Marine.

Well, I told him to text me when he could today...just like any other day. Here it is, 4 in the afternoon and I haven't heard anything from him. I guess I'm just being overly paranoid, but when you've been walked all over by guys for a few years, you learn to expect the worst. I texted him once with a simple "Hey. :)" and still, nothing back.

You see, last time I texted him and he didn't answer, he was in a pretty serious car wreck, or that's what his friends told me. So, I don't know if I'm just worrying for no reason or not.

There's something different about this guy than there has been with the others, and I'm not just saying that because that's what you're supposed to say, but I'm actually meaning it this time. When he told me that he was going to become a Marine, of course I was sad that I wouldn't be able to spend much time with him, but I'm totally supportive. I honestly think that he really wants to do this for his country and I love that about him. There are lots of things I love about him. I don't want to lose him like I lost the others.

But, obviously, I'm getting a little worried.
I haven't stopped thinking about it since I woke up this morning.
I'm just hoping that he left his phone at home or something.

Ugh.
This is probably pretty petty, but I'm worried.
I'm a worrier; you can ask anyone and they'd agree.
I just want to know what's going on.... :(

[1.21.09]

2009-01-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

So, I'm not really sure if everyone goes through these feelings when they're a high school senior or not. I'm more than excited to go to college here soon, but I also hate the feeling of knowing that I could possibly never see any of my close friends again. I know that it probably won't matter later on in life, but right now, it really hurts. The people I spend 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, I won't see much anymore, if ever again. Stuff like this is scary for me because I don't cope well with change. Well, not unless I want it (which is rarely). I know that I'll make friends elsewhere, but sometimes I don't see where I'd be without my friends that I have now. Eh.

I've definitely been through a lot while I've been in high school. I'm not going to start listing everything, but there are definitely some things that have changed my entire life. For one, I lost my aunt. She was really important to me, and even though I didn't really get the chance to know her that well, she made a huge impact on my life. Up until the end of her journey, she was still speaking about the Lord and how she was happy to be going "home". It really made me think about where I was with God and if I were in that situation right now, would I be saying the same things? My GPA suffered quite a bit while she was sick and after we lost her, but it helped me discover a little more about myself. Those two years were really trying for me. I struggled with depression horribly. But this year, I've managed to keep straight A's, and I'm content with my life right now. It's crazy sometimes what you have to go through to see things that were clearly visible the entire time.

I don't know...life has been changing a lot here lately and it seems as if I'm the only thing not changing. It really makes me feel out of the loop in a way. Ehh, I don't know. I'm gonna shut up now.

But that's what's going on in my head for the day. Well, all I'm going to tell you anyways. ;)

P.S. I bowled my last high school game ever today. We lost miserably. Something like 23-4, in favor of Columbia Central. I won two of our four points. It was bad. This is definitely something I'm going to miss. :( Sad, sad day.